Rachel Watkins, mother of eleven, and AP practicer writes this.
And Dr. Gregory Popcak writes this.
I'm not sure how to answer Michelle's question as to what qualifies one to be considered an AP. I don't know?? I know for myself its a daily thing. I don't think I ever attain it one day. Some days I'm more attached to my kids than others. Some days I do a better job. I do know I have to fight my own tendencies. I was NOT raised in a AP style of home. More like militaristic, belligerent and LOUD (lots of screaming). BUT I love my parents dearly. I see them a couple times every week. And they've mellowed out some. Although they still get a little stressed when I come around with all my kids!! LOL!
But I also know I don't want that for my kids. HOWEVER, I have that tendency inside of me. So for me, AP is something I have to constantly work at. I've read dozens of books and have observed MANY families and I tend to be drawn to those who practice AP. Although, I have MANY friends who don't and I LOVE to be with their families too.
But because I know how ugly I can be when I'm not AP, that is not an option for me. Sort of like there's nothing wrong with alcohol, except for the alcoholic. I don't do well with being punitive or trying to live a life that is not so connected with my kids.
I am a better mother when I sleep with my babies. When I nurse them until they wean themselves. When I hold them constantly and answer their cries. Craig and I also keep babies with us at all times. I really embrace Sheila Kippley's idea that babies should be with their mothers for the first 3 years. So, our dates always include babies until they are about 3 years old. Catherine is actually my first "baby" that I can leave with my mom or mom-in-law for piano lessons once a week. But they are like second mothers to her. And she has the benefit of having Sophia and Kolbe with her.
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I've had to be creative with my AP. When Anna (#2) was born, Isabelle was STILL sleeping with us. What to do?? Well, we tried to force Isabelle into her own room. We tried and tried ONLY because we felt bad from others comments.
But then one day I was speaking to a student at St. Mary's. She is the oldest of 11. And she told me she slept with her parents until she was 5 or 6. And she seemed pretty normal. Actually she's a GREAT mother now!!
I told Craig and we realized that we were not being true to the parenting we wanted to follow. Isabelle was only 2 1/2 at the time. So, we bought ourselves a king mattress. And everyone fit!!
Also, I was working part time and couldn't stand the thought of having Isabelle away from me. I spoke with the priest, Fr. Mike, at the time. He agreed she could come to work with me. And so she did (which actually started a trend. There were 3 babies around the student center so Isabelle actually had her little buddies!!!). And whenever I had a meeting that needed more quiet time and less interruption, I had a college girl watch Isabelle in the nursery, just a few feet from my office. I don't know what I would have done without these gals, which include Emily, Blair and Kristen. Actually there are many others but they don't have blogs!! ;-) Those college kids probably thought I was nuts!!! At the time I was fanatical about my clothe diapers, too!! I even had Emily using cloth diapers whenever she watched Isabelle!!! LOL!! I'm indebted to all the girls who helped me and they were truly a Godsend. Emily and her then boyfriend, now dh, Mitch, made it possible for Craig and me to attend our Bradley Natural Childbirth classes every week.
Actually, now that I'm walking down memory lane ... I remember once having a great conversation about cloth diapers with Steven in my office!! So, Blair, you can blame me.
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So, I think AP can be done however it works for you. I've done it while working part time. Now, I don't use cloth diapers. But they all have slept with us, been in the sling, and weaned themselves (except Catherine ... but that's another story).
I think AP is something you work at everyday. Its not easy. But I TRULY believe its the best form of parenting. I'm not judging those who don't. But I won't stop short of saying how I truly feel, either. And I can honestly say I'm a better parent when I try to be attached rather than when I'm on the defense or just out of sync with my kids.
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For those with time on their hands, here are some of my favorite books on AP. Its taken me years and years to get through them. I'm listing them in order of influence on me. Here are just a few to get started. These books have definitely molded me into the parent I try to be everyday.
Womanly Art of Breastfeeding La Leche League
Nighttime Parenting Sears
Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing Kippley
The Critical First Three Years Kippley
The Baby Book Sears
The Discipline Book Sears
Parenting With Grace Popcak
The Hurried Child Elkind
The Miseducation: Preschoolers at Risk Elkind
Beyond the Birds and the Bees Popcak
For Better ... Forever Popcak
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk Faber
How To Really Love Your Child Campbell
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5 comments:
Lol about changing cloth diapers. I still think about that, Lillian, because way back when I was a naive college kid I had NO idea what to do with cloth diaper poop. Kudos to you for unpacking a diaper bag at the end of the day that had a nylon bag that really wasn't that waterproof with a diaper that had been dipped in the nursery toilet and then plucked carefully out with my thumb and index finger and ever so deftly deposited (FULL of toilet water and dripping positively EVERYWHERE) into the bag. I can only imagine that EVERYTHING in your diaper bag ended up soaked with toilet water. So sorry!!!!!!!!!!!
On another note, I think it is interesting what you say about non AP you. I am the same way.
Oh, and about Dr. Popcak.... I like that there is a Catholic proponent of AP out there, but I have personally never been into him because I have found his style of speaking (and he writes just like he speaks) to be rather grating. I never had a problem with anything he wrote .... just that I had a hard time even getting through Parenting with Grace because I found him to be so annoying.
Having read his blog entries in response to Danielle Bean's however, I am inclined to think that he is not a very good arguer - in the sense that I think he alienates people and fails to meet them where they are. And the comment about proper child spacing really got to me, being Fertile Myrtle and all.
I think I am going to start prosletizing the Sears. Actually, I am surprised they haven't come into the Catholic Church yet. I would not be surprised to hear of it happening.
If I could say anything about perfect parenting styles, or noteworthy parenting styles I would say that parents that use authoritarian/militaristic/beligerant styles are shooting themselves in the foot, so to speak. I mean, sure, your kids will all sit in a straight row at Mass and everyone will say they are well behaved, but I would expect a major rebellion down the road, or at the very least a strained adult relationship with the parents. This coming from someone who was raised in an extreme of this parenting style to the point that our relationship is pretty much unsalvageable. I don't want to see this happen in my own family. Interesting that it was two "reactive attachment parenters" (as I like to call myself;) who commented on Danielle Bean's site. I think sometimes the people who were raised the opposite of AP are the most "militant" about it. I think that people who were raised in generally good families just cannot understand what the big deal is. And I think sometimes I make a bigger deal of it than it really is, because of my own personal experiences. Anyway, enough rambling.
Thanks Emily! I guess since he's one of the first voices I encountered I don't hear what other folks do. Then again, the Kippley's don't annoy me and I know they get on EVERYONE's nerves!! LOL!! But Dr. Sears is actually the one who has influenced me more. I just like Dr. Popcak's Catholic slant on things and how he brings in the saints. He's the one that introduced me to the idea of using St. John Bosco as a model for parenting. And Dr. Popcak was very personable in person. But, yeah, he doesn't know how to speak to the other side. But I still think he's speaking the truth.
And I can understand about his child spacing comment. My fertility always comes back at around 5 mos. But, I'm just not as good a mother when my kids are 18 mos. apart (Anna & Sophia) and 15 mos apart (Sophia & Kolbe). So I actually agree with his statement and rely on my good 'ol NFP to give me a few months btwn kiddos. Also, now with homeschooling, I can't afford to have that drowning feeling I had when I had 4 kids under 5.
I guess I agree with him and don't find anything wrong with using NFP to space children so as to be a better mom. Some moms can do it. I can't.
I don't have a problem with it either.... except that it very much came across as an "ideal." I will have to go back and re-read what he wrote, but I very much came away from it with the idea that he was saying that children should be spaced 2.5-3 years apart. Maybe I was just reactive. I'm going to go back and re-read his comments.
I am very interested in child spacing, actually (can you believe it? I have almost 5 kids under the age of 7 and have interests in child spacing!!;0). Actually, my interest is in cross-cultural childspacing and why there is such a great difference in the length of lactational amennorhea between American women and women from non-industrialized cultures. I have gotten to the point where I wear my babies almost 100% of the time until they are 6 months old and I follow all the ecological breastfeeding rules and I still get my fertility back at 8 months. 10 months at the latest. Anyway, I think that the use of NFP to space children is a very personal decision that belongs to the couple only.... so I get irked by the recommendation that this is something all parents should be doing. Then again, like I said in my post, I think there is a lot of "talking at" going on, and I can see how perhaps I am jumping to conclusions that Popcak just isn't making. I will give his comments a second look and see if he is really saying what I thought he was saying.
Thanks, Lillian. I think there is much more agreement on this issue than all the arguing and mudslinging would lead us to believe. I read the 8 principles of AP earlier this morning and I agree with all of them. And I don't have a problem with people spacing their kids out using NFP...but the Kippleys also say that if abstinence is difficult, that may be God calling you to have more children. I've, ahem, answered that call a few times. Dr. Popcak words seemed very judgmental regarding that decision.
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