I'm on the mend and feeling much better. In fact, yesterday was the first day I felt like myself. And with that comes mood swings.
While I don't think I've ever blogged about it, I'll share that I'm very prone to mood swings. Probably bordering on manic. One day I can be feeling great and the next day feel so sad that I want to cry all day. I'm sure pregnancy has alot to do with that. I tend to get pre-partum depression, not post. And the things I cry about are the silliest!!!
I remember when I was pregnant with Catherine I spent all day crying because I was just convinced my kids were having a horrible childhood. After all, they hardly had any wooden food for the wooden kitchen Craig had built them. Craig was travelling and when he called to check on me, I couldn't stop crying about how they had this beautiful kitchen but no food other than plastic. And that they also didn't have enough utensils, toys for playing house, and other Montessori kind of stuff.
Poor guy! It must be a helpless feeling to hear your wife crying about such nonsense. Since he couldn't reach into the phone and strangle me, he did the very next best thing ...... he told me to order some wooden food.
That's just one example. I can laugh about it now. But at the time it really felt like the worst thing in the world.
Luckily, I'm able to recognize when I'm having a bad day. And sometimes all I can hope for is that the day goes quicker because a good night's rest seems to fix everything. Except that in the morning I have regrets. I've learned NOT to blog on those days! LOL! I can sound pretty hopeless and whiny.
But yesterday, I was in the midst of it when I decided to email my consultant. I seem to battle self doubt ALOT when it comes to homeschooling. And most of my homeschooling problems are really more about my lack of faith. I tend to hyper focus on academic trouble spots my kids are experiencing and forget to pray or to see their progress. And I panic and lose it and cry. And then I start thinking about other areas in my life and before you know it, I have an entire set of problems that are really unrelated.
Yesterday was one of those days.
So, when Craig got home he called his mom to come over and hang out with the kids while we went out to talk. Because talking can solve most of my problems. LOL! I just don't like to talk to just anybody.
He took me to a Puerto Rican restaurant I've always wanted to try. They had live music and everybody spoke Spanish in that familiar accent that reminds me of childhood. The food reminded me of home and the happy people really made me feel better. I could tell some of the patrons were regulars because they were dancing with the waiters!! And for a brief second I felt bad that my children were not familiar with their culture. I almost got sad again just thinking about it!! LOL!
But, talking to Craig and telling him my worries helped me to see things in perspective. Some of my fears had included not finding that special friend yet. My fears about Belle's schooling. Fears about whether I spend enough time with the little ones. Whether I'm happy enough. Whether I will ever get the hang of grocery shopping and having enough of the good food for my hungry caterpillars. Etc., etc., etc. Silly female talk that just had to get out.
Honestly, I don't know how much Craig was taking in. Because I don't ever change what I have to say. But he said the right things at the right time while he enjoyed his food. He reassured me and was constantly telling me to be patient.
Patient that a special friend will come along. Seems like all my special friends live 3-4 hours away!!
Patient that I would see all the progress that Belle has made. She really has. I just sometimes forget to see the forest from the trees. Actually, I don't think I know what a forest looks like because I'm so busy examining every little leaf!!
Patient that this school year will be just as successful. Patient with myself to not expect perfection.
Patience ....... that's a very hard virtue for me.
And so when I got home, I was still thinking about everything he said but also wishing I had someone to hang out with or call or just be whatever. Why do I have to be such a social creature? I mean Craig has no need to have friends. He enjoys them but he doesn't pine away with missing them. And my Anna and Sophia are the same. They are just happy to be home and just be.
Isabelle and I are birds of the same feather. And I sooooo understand her struggles. And I was thinking about how I was going to raise this precious child ... when I visited
Blair's blog.
And all of a sudden I saw how silly I was being. Just seeing pictures of Sr. Mary Rebekah made me want to stay home and just be the best mom ever. It reminded me that the goal for my children isn't academic success but eternal happiness. That it didn't matter how many friends they had, so long as they were quality friendships.
I think the reason I love reading blogs so much is because they keep me in touch with precious friends who have touched my life so dearly. I'm just having to learn that I can't see these friends on a daily basis.
Its interesting that I can TOTALLY accept the separation a young women must go through to become a consecrated sister. Of course they need to not be of this world. And yet, those reunions with long ago friends must be so sweet. BUT, I struggle with the idea of myself being separated from dear friends. I want the ability to see them on a daily basis sometimes!!! LOL!
I've cherished all the friends who have visited this summer. But it can't last. I have to come down from the mountain top. Back to regular life. Which isn't so bad. Its just so ordinary.
But that's where real life has to be lived, in the ordinary. And hopefully, I can remember that all year and teach that to my children. Because while they don't ever want parties to end when someone is visiting, neither do I when I'm visiting with a dear friend. Sometimes, going back to the ordinary is the hardest. How hard it must have been for Peter, James and John after being on the mountain with Jesus!!! I'd want to set up camp, too!
All this to say, my sinusitis is doing better, my mood is leveling off, Craig is grocery shopping this morning (what a saint), and I'm still learning to accept the ordinary. I'm going to really try to focus on the beauty of simplicity and quietness. And on the need to accept where I'm at right now. And thinking of the sisters is a great mental image for me.
This post will also be read often as Craig leaves in a week for a longer than normal trip. I won't be able to reach out and touch him as often as I need to. An opportunity to rely on the only one who can hold me up, my Lord. If only I could remember that daily! Hourly even!
Lest you think I'm unappreciative of the wonderful day yesterday was, I do remember some tidbits that were great. The kids had a tea party complete with sugar cubes. They've been spoiled and now consider sugar cubes a necessity for a bonafide tea party.
The kids are still asking for school! So far, everyone is enjoying their work. I'm working on a daily schedule for all the kids. I think I've finished Belle's. I just need a list with an order of subjects so there is more regularity to our days. School goes smoother when everyone knows what to do next. I've even color coded the subjects with either
green (meaning go ahead without me) or
red (meaning stop and do with me). I did this last year and our days flowed better. Unfortunately, it took me 4 schedules before I found the one that worked for us. Hopefully, this schedule won't need too many revisions!!
I was able to relax in a nice, clean home. I've been feeling stressed about the state of my home. I've even been attending home management meetings once a month. I don't know if they helped in terms of making me a better housekeeper (I'm not all that bad actually, its more like I'm a perfectionist), but the meetings have helped me to realize things about myself. One thing I've come to see is that I'm a perfectionist. Also, I'm juggling alot of plates.
And, so, instead of waiting until baby arrives, Craig has gotten me some weekly help. Thursday I was able to focus on being a mother and teacher without worrying about also keeping house. I was able to play UNO with Sophia after school work was done. I started a pot of chicken noodle soup around 2pm. I was able to just unwind and be with the kids instead of running off to catch up on the hundreds of things that always seem to be calling for me.
I am thankful. And I pray that I grow in patience. The good Lord hears my prayers and has seen to it that another little one joins our family so I can continue to practice this virtue I pray for so often!!! Baby Smith is growing and thriving and doesn't seem to require any sleep!! ;-/
Now if only I could get back that email I sent off to my consultant!!
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Here's a link to a video
Dominican Joy: Live! that I've watched too many times!! While I am so happy with the vocation God has called me to, I still find that many of the things the sisters say speak to my heart and apply to me.
Quoting one sister (who was quoting of my favorite saints):
"If you are what you should be, you will set the world on fire."
-St. Catherine of Sienna
This will be my motto for this year!!
I encourage you to watch it!! Like I said, I watch it often and its amazing all the ideas I get for my little domestic church and way of life. Maybe one day I should be so lucky to have a daughter led to this wonderful order! My love for the Dominicans dates back to graduate school when I first met
Fr. Cessario. He prayed over Isabelle when she was a little baby (because she started attending classes with me when she was 3 weeks old!!) and wondered whether her being in his classes would affect her vocation (as a Dominican). Who knows?!?
Gotta go. My wonderful husband just invited my parents and parent-in-laws for BBQ. He knows me so well and knows when I need a little party!! LOL!!
God bless you this weekend!
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